When things get out of order i tend to retreat to my little cave and start drawing plans to set things right. I set out to work in Temasek Poly to get back the exhaustion feeling that was suppose to be right because in that way i know im being productive and not wasting a single second of youth. Now that i got that feeling back, i'm kind of dumbfounded again.

Just now was with poly mates at my nieces' chalet just random updating on our lives and i realise i have nothing interesting to share. I had a holiday very recently, i'm going to study in adelaide next year, i have the temp job i wanted very much. I enrich my life with music lessons, i meet up with people that meant to me. Why is it that i tried every mean and way to make my life a 100% and somehow it still doesnt feel like it? Is it because i try too hard? Like some people say that one should not even try but just go with the flow in life then you will be happy. I don't want to hear about relationships from anyone anymore because even i'm tired of talking about it already. Maybe it is what im lacking in life, maybe its not, it doesnt matter anymore.

Right now, i want to set my life right. Looking at 22 year olds setting up businesses, honing skills, paving their way to a life they desire, i reflect upon myself and start doubting. Am i just average or worse, mediocre? Have i over estimated my capabilities? All i know is that working full time really slows me down alot but the pay will really allow many things to happen in future when i need money to move forward with development of my skills or ideas; or just fly back on my own expenses to see my loved ones.

Its really tough; to have to work so hard to support an idealism created by myself. I just hope im not too harsh on myself. yet another to-do list i guess it should help to clear some issues on my mind.